Fall Up Community Feature: Eileen Desai
Hi Fall Up Community,
Today I’m honored and excited to share longtime Fall Up Community member, Eileen Desai’s blog reflections with you. Eileen’s Fall Up journey was catalyzed by the sudden loss of her beloved husband, Mahesh, and it’s been a true honor to watch her grow through not just this grief, but the grief related to the recent loss of her Mom, along with transitioning into being an empty nester.
It is such a joy to work with Eileen because she’s willing to do the hard work, and have fun, too. It’s not uncommon for laughter to arise during our sessions, and in those moments I feel so connected to the transformation that occurs when we are willing to trade our pain in for deeper presence with the fullness of life.
Whether you are navigating widowhood, the loss of a parent, or are perhaps newly an empty nester, Eileen’s words will have medicine for you and your journey. So, an invitation to please take a few breaths, make a soothing tea, and read Eileen’s blog with the same presence you would bring to the viewing of a favorite art piece.
Eileen, thank you for sharing your heart and your healing with us.
Keep going, keep growing.
Together we fall up.
With love,
Jasmin
Eileen Desai
A COUPLE OF FUN FACTS
Favorite comfort food:
Coconut Chicken Curry
Favorite feel good movie:
Mama Mia
Favorite power song: Hands by Jewel
We believe that to “fall up,” through your grief is to embrace your grief as an invitation to grow and transform, but what does “fall up,” mean to you?
Keeping this meaning in mind, it is easy to fall and harder to get up when dealing with grief. I hold a visual of myself NOT actually being able to literally fall and making upward progress little by little.
Where are you most practicing “falling up,” in your life right now?
I have experienced a myriad of changes in my life since my husband’s death in 2018 which was shortly followed by my only child, Malini, leaving for college and moving across the country. I relocated to be near my family and my aging Mother in particular. I am grateful for the 2-½ years I had closer to her, but she passed in February. COVID as we all know presented its own challenges with fear, isolation, death of family members and friends. That said, I am working right now on trying to figure out where my life goes from here. Rather than sitting alone, feeling sorry for myself, with Jasmin’s encouragement, I have joined a Women's Circle at a local church and started an immensely fascinating online course in Frequency Medicine, Sonic Science & Cymatics. Both are newly underway, but going well and it feels good to put myself out there, so to speak. We will see where things go, but they were big steps for me.
Which invitation from The Fall Up Method (the pause, the breath, the feeling, the healing), is calling to you most now? And how are you embracing this calling?
I would have to say the pause. More specifically, pausing and remembering a couple of things I have heard from Jasmin that resonate with me. The first is bringing curiosity and compassion rather than criticism and judgment to long standing habits and day to day endeavors that frustrate me. The second is adding the phrase “up until now” (also from Jasmin via Harshada Wagner) when I am inwardly berating myself or feeling overwhelmed. There are things I would like to change about myself and I am hopeful that I can. By necessity and for sanity, I spent the best part of 18 months constantly busy. Go, go, go, then crash and burn was my default. I didn’t want to stop and didn’t want to think about grief or feel anything, really. Busy and numb were my survival tactics. I’ve learned that it is not healthy and it catches up to you whether you are ready or not! I was quite discouraged with myself when I found Jasmin and Fall Up. I recently found notes from my first Fall Up session in October 2020, with the following statements: I am Worthy, I am Healing, I am Grounded, I am Whole. Although these have been stagnating in a notebook under clutter, I feel I can better relate to them now and they are worth pausing and reflecting on as well! I got to know Jasmin and worked with her individually for several months, then joined a Fall Up Circle, which initially I did not like to talk in, but that was OK. I could use the Zoom chat until I got comfortable. It did help hearing from and getting to know others and what they were dealing with in their lives. I then took a hiatus thinking I was fine now on my own, but discovered in pausing one day, that I still had some work to do on unresolved issues.
Anything you want to share about what you’re grieving or what you’re celebrating right now?
I AM GRIEVING:
My husband, Mahesh, during this Diwali week and with the holidays approaching. I am also missing my mother, Barbara Hamall, who I have never appreciated more.
I AM CELEBRATING:
Making forward progress, getting a scholarship for my class and meeting new people.
For those who may be hesitant to begin their grief healing and integration journey, what words of wisdom would you like to offer to them?
Start by Starting!
Photos: 1. Eileen and her daughter, Malini 2. Five day celebration of Mahesh’s life 3. Mahesh, Eileen, and Malini.